Irish Castaway
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to
himself,
'It's certainly not a ship.'
As the speck got closer
and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities
of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting
aside the
scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has
it been since you've had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve
of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said
the castaway,
'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?'
asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket
there
and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted
the Irishman.
' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit,
right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary
and Joseph, don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?'
A small boy was lost at a large
shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Jack Daniels and women with big boobs
A missionary in Africa realizes
that the one thing he
has never taught the natives is
how to speak English.
He takes the chief for a
walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and
says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the
tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased
with the response.
They walk a little
farther, and the missionary points to a rock and
says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
"Rock."
The missionary is really
getting enthusiastic about the results,
when he hears a rustling
in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top,
he sees a couple of natives in the midst
of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered, and
quickly says, "Riding a
bike."
The chief looks at the
couple briefly; he pulls out his blowgun
and poisoned darts, and
kills them.
The missionary goes
ballistic, and yells at the chief that he has
spent years teaching the
tribe how to be civilized and kind to
each other, so how could
he kill these people in cold blood that
way?
The chief replied, "My
bike."
God was missing for six days.
Michael, the archangel, found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, 'Where have
you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Michael. Look at what I've created."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled
and asked, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and
I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still
confused.
God explained, pointing to
different parts of earth. "For instance, northern Europe will be a place
of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe will be poor.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a
continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued, pointing to
different countries "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will
be very cold and covered with ice."
The Archangel was very impressed
by God's handiwork, and pointed to a land area and asked, "What's that
one?"
"Ah" said God, "That's Washington
State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains,
rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains and coulees. The
people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent and humorous. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking,
high achievers, and they will be known all over earth as diplomats and
carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and
admiration, but then proclaimed "What about balance? You said there
would be balance."
God smiled. "There is another
Washington, wait until you see the idiots I put there."
A man and his wife are awakened at 3
o'clock in the morning by a pounding
on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain
outside!!."
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?"
calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from
the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
The other day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.
Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of
the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink
together at a bar.
The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller
orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.
Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to
everybody's amazement, he orders tea!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if
they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret.
"Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then
neither will I."
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in
Mexico City.
One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star
of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only
put
money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the
cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving
money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to
the
beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David
and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This
is a Catholic
country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with
a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're
sitting beside
a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably
give to him
just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the
priest, and
turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's
trying to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing."
President Bush
calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews
know everything before we do?
The CIA chief
says, "It's simple. The Jews have an _expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch
(English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how
they
find out everything."
Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how
this system works.
So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as
an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York
where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped
off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.
As the
president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old
Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu,
Vus Tutzuch?"
The old
guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?"
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and
asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE FUN
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop
writing out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a gal a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil- necked nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse
shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20
minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
THE IRISH & THE BRITISH
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a
collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH:
We are a lighthouse. Your call
A Ogdensburg, New York state policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a
12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
"TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Ogdensburg, New York. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a New York State Trooper
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"! I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the New York State Police Ball.
"He replied, "New York State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.
Nice Nurse
A motorcycle
patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it
might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got
enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what
was
making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three
wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written
in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the
nurse
you gave a ticket to last week."
Community Service
One day a florist goes for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I
cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service." The florist is
happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a card and a
dozen roses waiting at his door.
A butcher goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community
service." The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and
a package of steaks waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am
sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at
the door?
two dozen other cops waiting for free haircuts.
President Hillary
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night
in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."